Introduction
When you are active in coaching, sooner or later you will encounter a client who cannot associate properly. In other words, the person has problems getting into touch with their feelings. However, since feelings can only be changed by feelings in change work, some coaching sessions end at this point.
I would like to show a possibility here, how with the help of the Mental Space Psychology can improve the situation.
Sergei can't do it
Some time ago I had a client named Sergei. A coaching colleague had failed with his work, as Sergei could not properly associate himself into situations and produce corresponding feelings. Sergei then contacted me and asked me to help him with his problem situation.
I accepted the mandate, we met and began to work together on his problems.
It quickly turned out that Sergei had to struggle with resistance when trying to put himself in the place of his wife or his daughter. He didn't succeed properly. Now one could say: Well, Sergei is just a cerebral analyst. There's nothing you can do about it.
But why should one not define ‘not associating’ as behavior. And how to deal with behavior, we have learned that - right? Okay, one should choose the methods carefully.
Back to Sergei.
I interrupted the work on the family and went with Sergei to another part of the room. I had worked with Sergei before and therefore knew something of his history. This made the transition easier for me.
Investigation
So I said to Sergei: "Dear Sergei! I know about your past, how you were in the Russian military back then, and when you were stationed abroad, you defected to the West. From then on, death lurked at your bedside every evening for a long time. You were afraid they would get you. Correct? That's a lot of bad feelings, and it's understandable if you've learned to avoid these bad feelings. Many years have passed since that time. This threat no longer exists. However, your strategy of avoiding feelings still exists."
Could that be so?"
Sergei affirmed. I said: “Let’s take a closer look at that.”
"Now close your eyes and tell me... If everything that prevents you from going into a feeling were a drink, what drink would that be?"
Sergei chose a sharp vodka. I asked him to keep his eyes closed and said: "If this sharp vodka were in the room, where would this vodka be 'right'? Would it be more in front of you... or more behind you... would it be more to the right or more to the left?"
The vodka appeared directly in front of Sergei's eyes, about half a meter away. "If vodka had eyes, in which direction would it look – and what feeling do you have when you perceive it that way?" The vodka stared directly into his eyes and it triggered a bad feeling in Sergei's stomach. Massive and pulsating!
Then I had a materialization that was mentally connected with the "inability to associate" and that I could work with wonderfully.
Next, I needed a reference materialization. I said to Sergei: "Is there a person or activity that you couldn't care less about?" He had to understand that first, pondered and then said: "Cut toenails!" I noted this answer with amused surprise. Now I asked, which symbol or object represents "cut toenails"?
He answered: “ a dung heap”.
At my question, where the dung heap was in the room, it materialized to his left, about 5 meters away.
Intervention
After Lucas Derks one can change such materializations (he calls them personifications) in two ways:
- I change the location and/or the quality of the representation. In other words, I change the submodalities.
- I give feelings in the form of resources into the materialization
In this case, I opted for the first option, as he did have a problem with the ‘going with a feeling’.
"Sergei, can you move the vodka in front of you towards the dung heap and bring it close to it?"
He squinted a little, concentrated visibly, and his head moved slightly to the left during his effort. Finally, he nodded.
"Did that work?"
"Yes!"
“What has changed? How does the vodka feel to you now?”
"The vodka no longer burdens me. I feel lighter and more liberated. Not so constricted in my chest anymore!"
"And is that good for you?"
Yes! Absolutely!
I now asked him to repeat the swiveling of the vodka from front to back left five times. Afterwards, he should check if there were any remnants of this drink or a container in front of him. He said there was still a diffuse shadow. Then I instructed him to wipe away these remnants with an imaginary cloth until everything was gone. Sergei performed the corresponding movements and then nodded, visibly satisfied.
When I asked him where the vodka was now, he replied with a grin: "I buried it in the dung heap!"
Sergei had not been able to "associate" it, meaning he had not only brought it to a place in his social panorama that radiates less influence on his well-being, but by lowering it into the depth, he had most likely reduced its influence on himself.
Test
I then checked the ecology and sustainability of the result by having Sergei associate himself first into the vodka and then into himself, and feel whether the current state is okay for both.
That was no problem for him and he confirmed that Vodka and Sergei were now feeling well. Sergei didn't even notice that he stepped up to Vodka without hesitation and associated into him. I then checked the observer position and finally the view of the entire system, including important people connected to it. These two perception positions were also okay for Sergei!
According to this, after the AQAL model from Ken Wilber (All Quadrants All Levels) a sustainable state is reached.
I thanked Sergei for his cooperation and trust in me. We took a short break and returned to the original coaching task, i.e. working with the family members. The association now worked and we were able to resolve his problem!
Methods used:
- Since Sergei could not associate properly, I refrained from methods that would make him believe he had to "enter" a person. Hence the consideration of vodka and dung heaps from the outside using the functionality of the social panorama by Lucas Derks.
- Even moving the personified vodka towards the dung heap can be done from the observer's position and yet changes the feeling associated with the vodka. The use of the peculiarities of the social panorama is "normal" for the client and does not cause resistance.
- Associating into the vodka after it has taken on the quality of the dung heap is already a test to check the change
- Examination of ecology and sustainability according to the AQAL model Ken Wilbers by taking all perspectives and checking them. The result must be okay from all viewpoints and without a bad feeling.
Format MDE (Couldn't Care Less)
Procedure according to Rainer Wawrzik / Lucas Derks
- Think of something, a person or an activity, that you completely don’t care about.
- If there were a symbol that represented this, what would it be?
- Where in the room is the symbol?
- Examine the location / representation of the "MDE"
- Things that burden can then be brought to this place and into the quality of the "MDE" and positioned, for example, directly next to it. This provides relief.
- Eco-Check
